Crippling Fear

Tonight I woke up to the familiar beeping of K's alarm. Its not a crisis anymore when I hear it go off. Most of the time, it is a false alarm or has fallen off his foot. Tonight, however, it was the real deal. When I got in his room, both alarms were red - heart rate and oxygen levels. My heart skipped a beat - HR 211, O2 83. A high heart rate always indicates fever for K. I grabbed the thermometer off his dresser and stuck it in his mouth. 106.7. I felt paralyzed. I grabbed the tylenol from his dresser, measured out 5mL and put it in his G-tube. I ran to the kitchen to get water to flush his G-tube and woke up Rich. Found my phone in the kitchen and called 911. Took K off the low flow oxygen regulator and hooked him up to the big concentrator and upped his O's to 3 ltr. That's alot of O2 for my boy. Way too much. He still was satting low. I grabbed K out of the crib and held him upright to try to keep him awake. He started crying. To me, crying was good thing. I stuck my finger in his hand and he gripped it. The paramedics arrived. Whisked him off to the ambulance. Then I crumbled. Nausea and shaking overcame my body. Called my mom. She tried to calm my very anxious heart. She prayed with me. Called Rich. Fever down to 104. O2 down to 2 ltr and 97%. I could breath normally again. My shaking stopped. I wish I had more faith to not be overcome with fear and trembling even when my baby's health is so fragile.

God give me more faith. More trust. Give me the strength when I am crippled with fear. Protect my children.